Living as a widower

 On Jan 8, 2023, my life changed in ways I could never believe. My wife and best friend passed away from lung cancer.  She suffered through chemo treatments, medical test, and other trials for many terrible months. I remember thinking right afterwards, thank God she isn't suffering anymore. Then feeling guilty because I wished she was still here with me.

I always believed that I would go first so I was not prepared for her passing. It devastated me and for the first few weeks and months I couldn't do anything. It was like I was in a fog and confused about everything.

I've since read that the first three to four months we go through what is called a widow's brain. Here is one explanation:  

Widow brain is a term used to describe the fogginess and disconnect that can set in after the death of a spouse. This feeling is thought to be a coping mechanism, where the brain attempts to shield itself from the pain of a significant trauma or loss. Widow's brain is also commonly referred to as widow fog or simply trauma brain.

I would tear up or just break down crying over the littlest things or for no reason at all. It was embarrassing if this would happen when I was at a store or anyplace else in public. You just try to get out of there as fast as you can. 

I live in a different country than my family so I had almost no family to lean on and very few friends that I would let into my life.

From what I've read and heard, a huge problem for many widowers living alone is coming home to an empty house. Loneness can cause us to make foolish decisions about relationships. My wife had a Maltese dog, Yujin. At first, I wanted to find him a good home, but as time went by, I got attached to him. Now, I couldn't see myself letting him go. Thanks to him, I've never had to come home to an empty house. I'm not saying if you're a new widower to go out and get a pet. They are a lot of work, but for me, he is worth it.

Finally, and luckily for me I have a group of military retired friends that I meet with almost every day. They take away the loneness and I can never thank them enough or tell them how important they are to my healing.

Grief effects all of us in different ways. This is a healing process that takes time. There is no one time for all, we all heal in our own time. My advice is do not force it, let it happen. Even now, I have good days and bad days. It helps that as time goes on, the good days out weight the bad ones. It's been eight months, and I finally can write this post without getting all emotional. 

I just read that someone grieving the loss of a spouse shouldn't make any major decisions in the first year. I wish I had read that sooner since I made many decisions in the first few months that I regret now. 

Some people have told me they would like to introduce me to a woman they know when I'm ready. After seven months, I thought I was ready and let a friend introduce me to a friend. She was a very nice person, but I felt guilty and found out that I wasn't ready. I feel I would like someone to go to dinner with or have coffee with every once in a while, but I'm not ready for a relationship.

This is my journey and even though I miss my wife every day, I'm grateful for every day of the 22 years I got to spend with her. As Garth Brooks sings, I could have missed the pain, but I would have missed the dance. And what a dance it was.